Invisible Motherhood: Why more mothers are struggling with mental illness, and why it’s time to end the days of invisible motherhood
There is arguably no greater identity shift than the one that takes your independent, only-has-to-worry-about-herself woman and propels her through the incredible metamorphosis that is becoming a mother. No longer just an independent identity, but one attached-by-boob, by heartstrings, by a cascade of body-battle scars. The enormous shapeshifting is bodily, no doubt, but also a cognitive, emotional, lifestyle and cultural shift. The morphing and growing of an identity, motherhood is the arrival at a new world and the experience of getting-to-know a new self. And yet, somehow the experience of Motherhood has been long glossed over in being understood and explored as such a vital interpersonal shift.
“And then, in the background, less likely to be seen in the photos — are the mothers — who have shifted themselves to the back-burners. To the leftovers, the scraps, the back of the line. As has been the standard for decades, women’s experiences have been squashed and quieted, seen as less than. We were, for so long, the barely visible supporters of husbands and breadwinners, the invisible family backbone, the caretakers.”
For decades, the step into motherhood has been somewhat quiet in terms of the experience of one’s transitive identity. That is, in western culture the welcoming of a child has been one of excitement, and fanfare — but mostly for the new baby. When I had my son, visitors didn’t show up at my door with chocolate, painkillers, wine and frozen pads for my stack of mesh underwear (and I mean, this would have been nice); they brought onesies and diapers and stuffed animals (still nice). Until more recently, the experiential shift to motherhood and the experience of mothers in general has taken the back seat to well, the kids. Excitement about the new babies, endless research on best parenting methods and child development. After all, people have been becoming mothers since the dawn of humans. Isn’t this old news? Mothers are everywhere — the motherhood experience isn’t a novel one. Parents, researchers, and professionals are so focused on the child — creating the perfect nurturing environments, following with the latest research on discipline, schooling, sleep schedules, eating. The list is endless. Parents themselves are most apt to spend their time seeking magic and perfection for their child, to create a fairytale childhood and the closest thing possible to a “successful” adult.
“Nobody is really looking at mom when there is a beautiful new baby to coo over. And historically, has anyone been told to look at mom, to see the enormity of her experience?”
And then, in the background, less likely to be seen in the photos — are the mothers — who have shifted themselves to the back-burners. To the leftovers, the scraps, the back of the line. As has been the standard for decades, women’s experiences have been squashed and quieted, seen as less than. We were, for so long, the barely visible supporters of husbands and breadwinners, the invisible family backbone, the caretakers. And while many aspects of the parenthood experience are now frequently discussed and explored in society, it tends to be the inner shape-shifting and experience of moms that still remains neglected and ignored. Nobody is really looking at mom when there is a beautiful new baby to coo over. And historically, has anyone been told to look at mom, to see the enormity of her experience? Mothers are so focused on their new babies that they are often the last people to think about themselves.
And if mom isn’t thinking about herself, who is? The scary reality is that new moms are taking their own lives at an enormous rate. Suicide is the second leading cause of death of postpartum mothers (Wisner, Jama Psychiatry), and 1 in 6 mothers experience clinical levels of Postpartum Anxiety and/or Depression. Of these mothers, 1 in 5 will seriously consider harming themselves. The numbers of mothers struggling are staggering — and this goes far beyond their children’s infancy. The answer to this quiet tragedy is beyond just the chemicals, it’s also societal.
It is vital that we bring awareness to this shapeshifting and highlight the huge cognitive and neurological change, and the individual and cultural shift that becomes of women entering motherhood. The understanding and normalizing of this delicate morphing — the good, bad and the ugly — is pertinent to breaking the walls of the stigmatizing society we are surrounded by, as well as mother’s and children’s identities and mental wellness. Mothers must be able to maintain their sense of self as an individual, to be able to continue to grow as people. Societal factors, in addition to the chemical and physical shift a woman experiences, contribute to the rampant depression, anxiety and loneliness in modern mothers.
The Physical Shift: Mothers experience a physical change in their body and brain that requires unique understanding, care and attention
The nature of motherhood can easily challenge the very idea and practice of individual identity. After all, you spend nine months housing a separate individual, and this grows the start of one’s shift in just “I” or “me” thinking. For a pregnant woman, your self-care has already become “us”.
“There is a reason mom is the one who is anxious, possibly obsessively attentive. In fact, her amygdala is lit up, and her empathy and concern for her new child overwhelms any thoughts of herself.”
According to research in Nature Neuroscience, pregnant women begin to experience significant brain remodeling that remains post- birth. The changes seen in brain scans on mothers were not seen within the brain scans of fathers or non-parents (Hoekzema, Nature Neuroscience). Mothers, after all, are the ones that go through a very physical transformation in the body, within brain tissue and hormonally. This includes the physical experience and changes in pregnancy and birth, to nursing, to shifts in the brain’s amygdala that impact nurturing and anxiety. Brain scans show in particular that there are notable changes in brain regions associated with social cognition, anxiety, and theory of mind (which allows for thinking about what another being may be thinking, feeling or experiencing) (Hoekzema, Nature Neuroscience; Adrienne LaFrance, The Atlantic). There is a reason mom is the one who is anxious, possibly obsessively attentive. In fact, her amygdala is lit up, and her empathy and concern for her new child overwhelms any thoughts of herself.
While the incredible love and sense of care and devotion to a new baby can be a beautiful experience, there may also be less welcoming feelings. Sometimes these changes bring overwhelming experiences of Postpartum Anxiety and/or Depression, which are painfully common amongst new mothers. I’ll say it again: 1 in 6 new mothers will experience clinical levels of Postpartum Anxiety or Depression (Lafrance). Many mothers will experience at least some levels of anxiety and depression throughout parenthood — including obsessive thoughts and worries and obsessive compulsive tendencies (typically attributed to the well-being and safety of their children). Some mothers can’t help but stay up watching their new infants sleep, for fear that they could stop breathing; others struggle to feel bonded or connected and fear they are doing something wrong. For some women, motherhood brings about struggles such as personal identity confusion, senses of loss of one’s old life, roles, or career.
The physical changes are numerous and complex. For many, there is no off-switch once you become a mother. You are anew. You must welcome yourself to being somewhat changed. For better or worse. Understanding this change is important in helping new mothers understand the new experiences and the feelings they are having. While many of the experiences new moms have are a normal result of their shifting body and brain, it is important to be aware of these things taking on an abnormal level. Opening this dialogue amongst mothers, friends, family and care providers can help others to be there for new moms if she should need additional support with the adjustment of her mental wellness.
Fear of shame and stigma and remaining quiet about difficult battles
Physically, mom has undergone an astronomical overhaul — and her body has experienced great trauma it is working to recover from. She’s been stretched out and ripped open, hormones ignited, brain tissue growing — and now thrown back into the world with herself and a helpless new infant. And while the birth recovery is in need of great care and attention, and new moms need all the support they can get — there are many aspects of motherhood left wildly ignored. Namely, the quiet inner world change a mother goes through, the psychological shift. Dr. Daniel Stern, a therapist who worked extensively with mothers through their parenting experiences, expresses the following in his book The Birth of a Mother:
“As a society we talk easily about morning sickness, sore nipples and new mother fatigue. We publicly debate the benefits of nursing or breastfeeding, and we thoroughly dissect a mother’s dilemma of if and when to return to work. Politically we fight for better health care and family leave policies, but we are strangely mute about the dramatic and often overwhelming changes going on in a mother’s inner life.” (Stern, 1998).
In The Birth of a Mother, Stern and Bruschweiler-Stern explore the confided struggles of a number of mothers. They note that most mothers feel so uncertain as to whether other mothers experience their struggles, that they stay silent. In fact, many mothers are afraid to discuss their deeply personal inner-world experiences as mothers with other mothers! This is seen largely from a fear of being seen as a “bad” mother, or shamed. As mothers already feel enormous amounts of guilt about being “good enough” parents, the social risk they perceive leads them into further self-isolation. With this isolation and guilt, mothers may be more likely to discontinue personal interests, hobbies, relationships and practices of self-care.
Social Media, such as Instagram and Facebook, play into the myth of glamorized motherhood with dreamy, sunlit images of perfect smiling families, carefully decorated living rooms and nurseries devoid of mess, clutter and chaos. People are less likely to post the outtakes, or take photos of the hard times and the struggles, and instead portray a filtered life, leading way to unrealistic expectations about motherhood and family life. The reality of the motherhood experience can be a stark contrast to these portrayals and further feelings of inadequacy and shame. Seeing images of what appears to be other mothers who have it all together and all figured out — when in fact, none of us does — can make mothers feel alone in their more difficult experiences and struggles.
We must acknowledge the motherhood experience — including its negatives, to grow in community and support for one another, to encourage and empower one another as mothers and as individual women. The shame us moms replay in our inner-monologues must be distinguished for a reality check which acknowledges and offers compassion to our less than glamourous experiences.
Cognitive and mental overload of motherhood related tasks
Mothers have historically been expected to give themselves over to a new world and life, a new identity. It is assumed that mothers will take on new roles with new wants and desires, hopes, dreams, interests. Except, the reality is that we are still individuals, even when we become parents. It is becoming more acceptable to work to preserve, establish and continue to grow an individual identity outside of one’s responsibilities as a parent. And actually, it is also becoming more and more necessary to work to do so.
As has been approached in a handful of more recent essays and research, mothers, by many circumstances, are more likely to be ‘default’ parents who bare the primary bulk of the mental load (See this brilliant cartoon chronicling mothers’ mental overload). That is, the primary caregiver, the knower of all the little facts and details, the go-to organizer and arranger of all things pertaining to the home and children (Dr. Sonja Benson). Dr. Stern describes of motherhood, “there is no time off from being ultimately responsible, even if you delegate the actual work to someone else”. This can be exhaustive and all-consuming, leaving little headspace to one’s own sense of self. Instead, all one’s brainpower becomes employed to being the knower, the memory bank, the detailer. The things to know, do and remember — all pertaining to the ‘others’ in your life are daily and endless!
Emma, a French comic, explains that mothers, working out of the home or not, often become the household managers, expected to know what needs to be done and delegate said tasks to partners. She describes that “planning and organizing things is already a full time job” and overwhelms the mental load — or always having to be the one to remember — and is often a completely invisible and thankless job. These experiences are part of the shifting that comes with the life of a mother, and illustrate the enormity of the task mother’s face, which can further lead to a straying from one’s sense of self and identity beyond motherhood. This loss is one that can be devastating, and further the struggles with depression, anxiety and loneliness that a mother may already face.
Struggles to Feel and Maintain a Sense of Individual Identity
More recently, culture, lifestyles and the experience of personhood has begun a shift. Today, more than ever, we are encouraged to also be our Selves, to live our own lives, and to live for ourselves in addition to our children (think Oprah, Deepak Chopra, Marianne Williamson). We live longer than ever before in the west, and with a constant quest for identity, self-betterment, answers, authenticity. With this, people are finally acknowledging that just maybe it’s okay to live for more than your children and to allow yourself to continue to grow outside your parenthood identity. Maybe you needn’t always keep yourself on that back bottom shelf. And that this is not a bad or shameful desire. In fact, it is necessary that we grow to understand and acknowledge the experience of mothers that has been so minimized throughout history.
“Mothers constantly tell themselves they shouldn’t have other desires or wants or hopes. They shouldn’t want other plans, other people or places. That they should now be ‘complete’. The ‘want’ should shut off. How can I possibly be an individual now that this perfect precious thing that completely relies on me has been blessed to me? It grows our guilt — even the thoughts of our Selves. Of our human person as a separate entity. Shouldn’t we be whole? Shouldn’t this be the ultimate answer, all there is? How horrible can I be for wanting and needing space?”
Motherhood brings a significant shift in the way in which one thinks. With my oldest, who is now 5, it took years to be able to, even for a half hour, shut off my mom-brain and mom-worries. It was easy to let go of any sense of self when my son was born. My existence completely revolved around the care and growth of my child. There wasn’t time or energy for much else. Unless I really worked at it. Unless I intentionally and purposefully worked to preserve myself as an individual with other focuses and loves and desires. And so in time, I began to do this, in a forced, loathing way. Until it began to feel more natural, until I felt my other on-hold pieces fall back into play. The self-shut-off mode can be self-protective to parenthood. But not working to keep your self is dangerous and harmful. For parents, and their kids. In my personal experiences and talking with other mothers, I learned that the preservation of the self must be practiced to some extent to be up-kept. It can be hard, and go against your instincts or wants. Mothers constantly tell themselves they shouldn’t have other desires or wants or hopes. They shouldn’t want other plans, other people or places. That they should now be ‘complete’. The ‘want’ should shut off. How can I possibly be an individual now that this perfect precious thing that completely relies on me has been blessed to me? It grows our guilt — even the thoughts of our Selves. Of our human person as a separate entity. Shouldn’t we be whole? Shouldn’t this be the ultimate answer, all there is? How horrible can I be for wanting and needing space?
Men have historically been more socially-acceptably able to separate. To have their man cave, or their boys’ nights. Often they are the ones more frequently away from the children. Even as my son got older, I would often hurry home from ‘me-time’ because I felt so anxious being away from him. I missed him! I wanted to kiss his cheeks again ASAP! I was out for myself, thinking about my kid. My husband could go to work comfortably, without his heart pounding about leaving his son, without constant thoughts of being back home. Sure, he might miss him, but his missing was less of a physical, obsessive pull. The differences between motherhood and fatherhood are not necessarily negative. Motherhood is just, well, different — our whole insides have changed for this! Our bodies, our brains! Motherhood is a different animal in need of different care and attention.
Emotional overload, constant giving of self, and lacking support systems
Motherhood is hard, not necessarily in the ways that women expect pre-parenthood. A number of mothers have mirrored this sentiment back to me. I was prepared to think, “man, it’s hard when they are babies and you’re up every hour and exhausted!” or “man, it’s hard to see my son so sad or in pain from a shot.” Or “it’s hard not getting alone time or dealing with tantrums or unending questions.” Except when I actually became a mom, the hard was different. It wasn’t necessarily just the concrete things (which, yes, are hard, and cumulatively, even harder). Instead, it was the fact that those realities were the 24/7 of your life. The cognitive and emotional shift, the inner world. The new reality of constant “hard” things that are hard emotionally and physically and mentally and in stamina. Spending entire days uncomfortable and anxious at any time being away from your child, or thinking only in terms of a child’s constant demands all day long, the whole self-exhaustion and mind-numbing that can come with caretaking, the shut-down of “me” in any independent frame. The lack of intelligent, adult interaction and the loneliness of being the sole adult surrounded by baby or toddler babble. Every day, long-term, no off-switch! And then, so many mothers have that lodged in guilt that they could have any such negative thoughts or complaints.
“It is taxing emotionally, mentally, physically — yes. But also, existentially. And it is now that we must talk about it from the framework of the shift of a woman’s inner world and being. Women undergo a change in their identity during this time, and yet, they are still women. They are still individuals with hopes and desires and interests. And our social evolution in feminism is allowing us to grow and acknowledge the need to see mothers beyond their role as a parent.”
Mothers have described to me struggling as stay-at-home moms, feeling as though they will lose their minds with limited adult contact, or of the ability to do anything productive not related to children. Working mothers have expressed difficulty in the guilt they feel being away from their children. Or the guilt they feel because they are glad to be away from their children. We live in a country with such high societal isolation, where we all stay in our individual homes spread away from neighbors, with family and friends a drive or more away. And we are breeding a lack of community support and propelling loneliness with the expectation that we are supposed to be able to do it all — and on our own. Again and again, I hear that mothers are lonely and isolated, feel unstimulated by life, plagued by guilt, exhausted by the unending rat race. Moreover, separated from their own identities and selves.
In her book Fruitful, Anne Roiphe described motherhood as an “inherent…continual giving up of self”. It is taxing emotionally, mentally, physically — yes. But also, existentially. And it is now that we must talk about it from the framework of the shift of a woman’s inner world and being. Women undergo a change in their identity during this time, and yet, they are still women. They are still individuals with hopes and desires and interests. And our social evolution in feminism is allowing us to grow and acknowledge the need to see mothers beyond their role as a parent. It’s not the 1950’s anymore — there’s a whole lot more to June Cleaver than peanut butter sandwiches and window wiping techniques. The rest of it still matters. The rest of you still matters. Motherhood is consuming and confusing. And sometimes you feel gone. And for a while, you are gone. The difference is that our community and our support systems are gone too. Sometimes you have to work to be still there. And that’s okay. But we can’t do it on our own.
“The rest of us, our identities outside of motherhood, matter. That sphere of us is deserving of space, care, time, energy and fostering.”
The rest of us, our identities outside of motherhood, matter. That sphere of us is deserving of space, care, time, energy and fostering. The transitive shift our entire being undergoes is so enormous, and so permanent, that societally and individually, it is deserving of more care than it currently receives. Times have changed, and women are not just mothers and homemakers anymore. We are no longer just in the background holding the family upright without acknowledgement and recognition. We are squashing the patriarchy, demanding our rights and a say to our bodies and lives. We are living our own lives and dreams, allotting for our own passions. But the role of motherhood is still sequestered, cycling in oppression and age-old views and in need of attention. Working to keep up with ourselves and our identities can be difficult and daunting, and undoubtedly, we are already exhausted. But we are seeing the effects of mothers who are struggling in incredible rates of depression, anxiety and even suicide. Reframing the lens of motherhood and the roles that make up a woman are important for us, our families and society around us. Individual identities as autonomous people must continue to be explored and expressed once we become moms.
Mothers need to allow themselves this. Society needs to nurture it and make space for it. To truly see women who are mothers, not just as the exhausted leaders and cleaners of tiny armies, but as incredibly strong individuals still in pursuant of dreams and causes. Still a force in and of themselves.
References
Hoekzema, Elseline. 2016. Pregnancy leads to long-lasting changes in human brain structure. Naure Neuroscience. https://www.nature.com/articles/nn.4458
Lafrance, Adrienne. 2015. What Happens to a Woman’s Brain When She Becomes a Mother. The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/01/what-happens-to-a- womans-brain-when-she-becomes-a-mother/384179/
Stern, Daniel. 1998. The Birth of A Mother
Roiphe, Anne. 1993 Fruitful: A Real Mother in the Modern World.
Benson, Dr. Sonja. Are You the Default Parent. Dr. Sonja Benson. https://drsonjabenson.com/are-you-the-default-parent/
Wisner, KL. 2013. Diagnoses in Postpartum Women. Jama Psychiatry.
